On Marriage For Life

The institution of marriage seems to be increasingly inadequate and dated.

In the US today, the base rate for getting divorced is 50%. That means that 1 out of every 2 marriages will end in divorce. That's a lot of divorces I guess. I was listening to a story on NPR about the reason for the prevalence of divorce in the United States. It said that the US uniquely values two traits -- individuality and the bond of marriage. Many countries value one or the other, but the US values both. So it's kind of a schizophrenia with two core values that are in conflict with each other.

And then you hear the religious conservatives blast off about how our morals are getting worse and we're not upholding Christian values and blah blah blah.

When Christianity and most of the religions today were first formulated, people didn't really have that many options for potential mates. There was no Match.com or Craigslist or the club down the street or anything. There were few options around them, and they took advantage of those options that were available. But today, you can potentially communicate with a much wider group of people. You can find people around the world, and have a relationship with them. So our options have increased. So we're still a pretty individualistic society and species and now we have more options for mates. What else did you think was going to happen?

It has nothing to do with "the decline of our morality." It has to do with options. We have more of them. And if your wife or husband isn't treating you right, then you're going to find a better option. That's what you SHOULD do. So this whole expectation that you're going to magically love someone forever once you get married and you should only be with them, is just complete nonsense. It doesn't consider actual reality. Most people just don't have any self control. Look at our credit card debt. It's ridiculous. People buy shit they can't afford all the time.

This whole concept of marrying someone for life I think is reserved for a small group of people. People who actually have self control and those that have adequately tested their relationship and compatibility beforehand. You can't just know someone for 6 months, get married, and then expect it to work forever.

EVEN THEN, you're missing the other factor of PEOPLE CHANGING. You are not a static machine. Every single day...every single minute...things are happening that are changing you. Over time those changes add up. People change and have newer interests or different personalities. So your relationship has to be flexible enough to accommodate those potential changes.

In the law we now have this concept of marriage that creates these sticky situations when people inevitably breakup. Who owns what? Who gets the kids? What we need is a more flexible legal relationship between people that actually mirrors reality. Because people breakup. And that's not changing any time soon.